Christmas Gifts for the Year
Gregory K. Moffatt, Ph.D.
Most parents go through the frustration of trying to decide what to get for their children for Christmas. As the holiday is upon us and a New Year is close, here are some things you can give your children that will last a lifetime.
Give your child time with just you. Children often tell me about toys or games they have, but they are never more excited than when they describe something they did with a parent. "We went fishing" or "Just mom and me went to lunch." Doing something at the same time is not the same thing as doing something "together." Driving your kids to soccer, dance, or band practice is a good example. You are in the same space, but it is not something that you necessarily share with just that child. An afternoon fishing, window shopping, or having lunch together is the kind of memory that outlasts any toy you might give your child.
Patience is another great gift. I watched a mother helping her daughter put on shoes at an indoor play park recently. The little 4-year-old took almost five minutes to put her shoes on, but she was excited about doing it herself. Mom patiently waited as the child tried to figure out the best way to do it. When the child was stuck, mom asked if she needed help and she didn't intervene unless asked. It is hard to remember to be patient, but it is a great gift.
Imagine being trained on a new task at work. It would be so much harder to learn if the boss stood over your shoulder and said, "Hurry up" the entire time you were trying to learn the skill and you probably wouldn't learn it at all if the boss kept intervening and doing it for you. It takes great patience in our busy lives to let children learn, but it is a gift that you can give children at any age - from the early years as they learn to button their clothes and put on their shoes to their teens when they are learning to drive a car.
Encouragement is another great gift that goes well with patience. I heard someone on the radio complaining that parents are too soft on their kids these days. This ill-informed individual went on to say that when he was a child, his parents would slap him if he got out of line and that punishment is what made him a better person rather than being told how wonderful he was. An encouraging leader of any kind - in business or at home - is one who carefully blends encouragement with instructions and correction. They are not mutually exclusive. The research in social psychology is clear that when one is consistently punished and shown that he is bad, he will give up and quit trying. He believes he can't win so he sees no point in even attempting to do it at all. Encouragement fosters curiosity and exploration.
Finally, consider giving your child a structured environment. In the 1970's psychologists believed that "open parenting" was a great idea. They taught that parents should let their kids do what they want and learn on their own. That decade produced a generation of egocentric children. Not only did children make very bad choices, we also discovered that children of all ages want boundaries no matter how much they say they don't. In my private practice, I almost never hear children complain about their parents' reasonable boundaries, but I have heard many children say with sincere discouragement, "My parents don't care what I do." Boundaries regarding friends, computers, telephones, money, language, and behavior are part of the way we all learn social skills and where we fit in the family and society.
While it is impossible to wrap these gifts up and put them
under the tree, these are gifts that will last longer than any
packaged gift you could give your child this year for Christmas.
Happy Holidays.